All I Will Allow
by M. Night Wolfalona
Summary: OneShot. Shaggy's POV. How he really felt when Crystal left. R&R, please.


Chapter One:

All I Will Allow

I couldn't believe she was gone.

She just couldn't be gone.

She just couldn't.

How could she leave? I loved her. Why did she have to be what she was?

Why wasn't I brave enough to tell her that I loved her before she flew away, back to wherever the Hell she came from? Why am I always such a coward? No matter where I go, I'm always afraid. Afraid to stand up and actually fight. Why can't I be brave?

Why can't I be a man?

_You know why, _a voice whispers in the back of my mind. _You've always known why. Ever since you were little and your father-_

_THAT'S ENOUGH! _I scream at it._ I DON'T NEED TO REMEMBER THIS. I JUST NEED TO FORGET. NOW JUST SHUT UP!_

_Fine, fine, _it whispers, _just forget about your entire childhood, shall we? Forget about your family, and all the suffering your mother went through when she tried to stand up for you that one time. Forget about the scars, forget about the screams, forget about what you saw that night. Do you remember? Do you remember? DO YOU REMEM--?_

"Shaggy?"

A voice wrenches me out of the hurricane winds that shrieks these words into my ears. I look up from my arms and see Velma's bespectacled face looking at me worriedly. In fact, the entire gang is looking at me. They're all worried. They all knew how much I cared about Crystal in the short time I knew her. They just didn't know how much. "Are you alright?"

NO, I'm not all right. My friggin' heart's been broken into a thousand fucking pieces. Do you EXPECT me to be all right? I wanna scream at her. But I refrain.

I look at the clock at the front of the van. Wow. My head's been in my arms and my knees have been up against my chest for several hours. I then notice the van's not moving. Are we back in Coolsville?

They're still staring at me, waiting for an answer. I haven't spoken to them this entire time. I've been too busy mourning over_ her _to talk to them. Scooby got over Amber so quickly; I envy him.

They're still waiting. I croak out an answer.

"Fine. I-I'm fine." They all look at each other.

Uh-oh.

Wrong answer.

"Are you sure, Shag?"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Ro rou rant romething ro reat?"

"Are you _sure _you're alright?"

Their questions bombard me mercilessly, striking open my freshly received wound from the only woman I've ever loved, and who could possibly love me back. Their questions are cold and unforgiving. I can feel my heart crashing, freezing, breaking open once again into a thousand poisonous shards that cut me when I try to put the pieces back together, into something that might be called a heart. I can feel tears in my eyes. I try to block them out, but it does no good. I have to get outta here. Fast.

I rip open the door of the Mystery Machine and stumble onto the ground, into the icy rain. It seems fitting that it rains. Almost as if the world recognizes my pain, my sorrow, my sadness, and is attempting to wash away what remains of my heart, what poison coats the shards. I pick myself up, and do what I have always done the best: _run._

I run as fast as I can, for my life depends on it. I feel my troubles slip away and fall behind me. I only know and feel the pure exhilaration of the run, of the icy ground that burns my bare feet, of the wind that rubs my face raw, of the rain that washes the scum of heartbreak away.

I run farther than I've ever run before. I run longer than I've ever run before. There is a new strength that burns away the ice. It is power. It is flight. It is fire.

The world becomes a colorless grey blur. I run.

But this freedom will not last. Soon the world gains color again. I am in the woods. Everything around me is brown, green, and grey. Maybe the pain will pass me by. Maybe I will blend in with the surroundings, and it will just go away, and leave me forever.

It is not to be.

I stumble through the woods, my legs shrieking with every step. My lungs burn fiercely to protest. I must rest, but yet I must push myself farther away. It is catching up with me. I try to run, but instead I stumble and fall to the earth. For one glorious second, I breathe in deeply of the ground's old, warm, musty scent, and it calms me. It warms and comforts me.

But then the pain comes.

My heart shrieks in agony as I scream at the sky; the pain has hit me with all of the strength it can muster.

My heart stops.

Darkness overcomes me.

I wake up in my bed back at headquarters. The gang must've carried me to the van, and up to my room. They had followed me to the woods when I ran away from them. But why did I run? I ask myself. Then it all hits me, again, like a wave upon the shore. I bite into my arm to keep from screaming out in the broken pain I feel.

My teeth break the skin, and blood fills my mouth. I swallow it, enjoying the warm liquid immensely as it seeps down my throat, leaving behind the almost pleasant iron aftertaste.

My eyes widen as I realize what I've done. I rush to the bathroom and empty my stomach of its newly acquired taste. The blood swirls slightly as it floods down the pipe, and I throw up again, disgusted at my own behavior. Blood flows lazily down my arm, and I have to force myself not to lick it up. I bandage it up and head back to my room.

I collapse onto my bed and scream into my pillow. It helps some, but not much. My arm burns from my bite, and the taste of iron lingers in my mouth. My heart aches dully, as if some of the pain went down the drain with my blood and vomit.

I come up with a plan. I will hide my pain from the world and from my friends. It will fade away eventually. It will disappear forever.

_This isn't going to work,_ the voice whispers into my ear._ You'll kill yourself, holding all of this in. You can't just hide it all away, and hope it will disappear forever. It'll grow, bigger and bigger, until it will just explode, and everything will be revealed? Do you understand? EVERYTHING WILL BE RUINED! RUINED! WHEN WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME? WHEN? WHEN!!!?!?_

_WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE??!?!? _I scream at it silently. _JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! AND DON'T EVER COME BACK!!!_

The thunder rattles the windowpanes ominously as lightning streaks the sky. The rain pours down in an endless drone.

I bottle up my pain as best as I can. All that's left now is a dull throb.

I curl up on my bed and pull the covers around me as I sob myself to sleep.

This is all I will allow. This is the most I will allow myself to grieve.

This is all I will allow…


End file.
